Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Big Fish

Following my will of being a successful children's book author, I would like to give you a taste of this wonderful and educational bedtime story. Here we go…
Shoresh - Big Fish by shoresh

It was another beautiful and pastoral day in the Korlat village which lies in the green Watchawa valley. The birds were singing like a well rehearsed and out of tune children choir and the smell of the blooming lilies mixed with the scents from Karmela's Kitchen was creating a chemical reaction which resulted in a smell that reminds hard boiled eggs that where left in the sun for a couple of days combined with ostrich urine and homeless saliva. Agustus, who was a simple old farmer, had lost his wife only 2 months ago in the volcano eruption and he felt lucky he doesn't need to change her\underwear anymore since she had Mouritis Exyamosis, a made up illness which causes the rectal muscles to relax while on duty. Since her death, he has been obsessively sought-after by Karmela, the village's Big Mama. He knew that if he doesn't act fast to supply an alternative dinner excuse, he will get the 7pm door knock with Karmela and her casserole. Needless to say, he wasn't in the mood for another evening of "tasty" dishes and cheap eye brows courting.
"What a wonderful day for fishing" he thought. He packed his fishing bag with all the equipment and his favorite bait (dog ticks) and some butter cookies. Got on his horse (Dildo) and went for the road whistling his best song to date "now that she's under, I can wear her under" . He put his cowboy hat on and left towards the river. Like always he stopped on the way at the neighboring village to pick up his beloved grandson Mario. Mario who was only eight, had always joined Agustus on his fishing trips and since it was the middle of the salmon season, they have been seeing each other almost every week. It takes about 2 hours by horse to reach the valley's Makambu river but Agustus and Mario had always felt that the time passes by so quick thanks for the enchanting story telling abilities Agustus has and the curiosity of little Mario who would eagerly wait to hear some more stories.
Agustus knew the best fishing spots were at a place called the Secret Falls and only the valley's old-timers knew how to get there. He took Mario when he was only three for the first time, only after he threatened the little boy that if he ever tells of the secret place, he will cut off his nipples and use them as suction cups for window car shades (the car was invented 200 years later but the facts are not the issue here). The place had a scenery from the legends and the best Kanabis in the whole valley. In the spring, the place was filled with grisly bears hunting to gain fat before the winter (yes, just like aunt Debra does the whole year). Grisly bear attacks where very rare at the time and not even one incident with human casualties was reported since last week. After settling down by the shade of the giant old oak tree, they prepared the fishing rods and sat down patiently waiting for some movement. To make a short story even shorter, they finally got a catch and after Agustus pulled the fishing line, they discovered a gold fish hooked to the end of it. Agustus was stunned. He looked at small Mario and said "Fabaku miche picho galda fishe balate" which means "for 70 years I've been fishing here and never I've seen a gold fish before!" (translated from their native language which by now has been extinct). Before someone could figure out what was that last phrase about, the gold fish opened his mouth and said "please spare my life and set me free! I will grant you with three wishes!". Agustus looked at little Mario and then looked back at the gold fish. “I wish for nothing beautiful fish, my wife is already dead, I can walk around the house in her underwear. You see, I enjoy the simple things in life and I already have all I need, but I will let you free”. The gold fish got furious with Agustus “what do u mean u don’t want yer wishes you fucker?! This nice guy here is trying to write children's books and you’re fucking up his story! Because of your lack of cooperation he might now return to recording albums! I’ll show you smart-ass!”. the gold fish jumped on little Mario and knocked him into the river. The raging flow was too much for the small boy and old Agustus could only watch as his grandson waving his hands in despair and disappearing quickly under the water. Two days later, a resident from a neighboring village found the decomposed body when he smelled rotting flesh after stopping for a tea break 6 miles down the river. And so they lived happily ever after. THE END

I have sent this sketch to a well known children's book publisher and surprisingly he found this story inadequate. I always thought people don't recognize quality when they see it and now I'm sure! Why do you think all the kids get fucked up nowadays?! It's because we tell them stories about tooth fairies and storks bringing babies and then at the age of five, your kid comes to you and says "hey dad, sit down I want to talk to you about sexual intercourse, I have prepared a Power-Point presentation, it's important for me that you know the truth 'cuz it's getting embarrassing. Oh… and by the way, I have another tooth which is about to fall, can you tell mom I prefer money and not cheap candy under the pillow?!"

On a completely different matter, here's a link to an interview with Somojo Magazine... HERE

and also i've been informed of winning 2nd place in the "Indie International" song writing contest with "Ghost Town"
Indie International Songwriting Contest Winner

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