Tuesday, 5 April 2011

Big Fish

Following my will of being a successful children's book author, I would like to give you a taste of this wonderful and educational bedtime story. Here we go…
Shoresh - Big Fish by shoresh

It was another beautiful and pastoral day in the Korlat village which lies in the green Watchawa valley. The birds were singing like a well rehearsed and out of tune children choir and the smell of the blooming lilies mixed with the scents from Karmela's Kitchen was creating a chemical reaction which resulted in a smell that reminds hard boiled eggs that where left in the sun for a couple of days combined with ostrich urine and homeless saliva. Agustus, who was a simple old farmer, had lost his wife only 2 months ago in the volcano eruption and he felt lucky he doesn't need to change her\underwear anymore since she had Mouritis Exyamosis, a made up illness which causes the rectal muscles to relax while on duty. Since her death, he has been obsessively sought-after by Karmela, the village's Big Mama. He knew that if he doesn't act fast to supply an alternative dinner excuse, he will get the 7pm door knock with Karmela and her casserole. Needless to say, he wasn't in the mood for another evening of "tasty" dishes and cheap eye brows courting.
"What a wonderful day for fishing" he thought. He packed his fishing bag with all the equipment and his favorite bait (dog ticks) and some butter cookies. Got on his horse (Dildo) and went for the road whistling his best song to date "now that she's under, I can wear her under" . He put his cowboy hat on and left towards the river. Like always he stopped on the way at the neighboring village to pick up his beloved grandson Mario. Mario who was only eight, had always joined Agustus on his fishing trips and since it was the middle of the salmon season, they have been seeing each other almost every week. It takes about 2 hours by horse to reach the valley's Makambu river but Agustus and Mario had always felt that the time passes by so quick thanks for the enchanting story telling abilities Agustus has and the curiosity of little Mario who would eagerly wait to hear some more stories.
Agustus knew the best fishing spots were at a place called the Secret Falls and only the valley's old-timers knew how to get there. He took Mario when he was only three for the first time, only after he threatened the little boy that if he ever tells of the secret place, he will cut off his nipples and use them as suction cups for window car shades (the car was invented 200 years later but the facts are not the issue here). The place had a scenery from the legends and the best Kanabis in the whole valley. In the spring, the place was filled with grisly bears hunting to gain fat before the winter (yes, just like aunt Debra does the whole year). Grisly bear attacks where very rare at the time and not even one incident with human casualties was reported since last week. After settling down by the shade of the giant old oak tree, they prepared the fishing rods and sat down patiently waiting for some movement. To make a short story even shorter, they finally got a catch and after Agustus pulled the fishing line, they discovered a gold fish hooked to the end of it. Agustus was stunned. He looked at small Mario and said "Fabaku miche picho galda fishe balate" which means "for 70 years I've been fishing here and never I've seen a gold fish before!" (translated from their native language which by now has been extinct). Before someone could figure out what was that last phrase about, the gold fish opened his mouth and said "please spare my life and set me free! I will grant you with three wishes!". Agustus looked at little Mario and then looked back at the gold fish. “I wish for nothing beautiful fish, my wife is already dead, I can walk around the house in her underwear. You see, I enjoy the simple things in life and I already have all I need, but I will let you free”. The gold fish got furious with Agustus “what do u mean u don’t want yer wishes you fucker?! This nice guy here is trying to write children's books and you’re fucking up his story! Because of your lack of cooperation he might now return to recording albums! I’ll show you smart-ass!”. the gold fish jumped on little Mario and knocked him into the river. The raging flow was too much for the small boy and old Agustus could only watch as his grandson waving his hands in despair and disappearing quickly under the water. Two days later, a resident from a neighboring village found the decomposed body when he smelled rotting flesh after stopping for a tea break 6 miles down the river. And so they lived happily ever after. THE END

I have sent this sketch to a well known children's book publisher and surprisingly he found this story inadequate. I always thought people don't recognize quality when they see it and now I'm sure! Why do you think all the kids get fucked up nowadays?! It's because we tell them stories about tooth fairies and storks bringing babies and then at the age of five, your kid comes to you and says "hey dad, sit down I want to talk to you about sexual intercourse, I have prepared a Power-Point presentation, it's important for me that you know the truth 'cuz it's getting embarrassing. Oh… and by the way, I have another tooth which is about to fall, can you tell mom I prefer money and not cheap candy under the pillow?!"

On a completely different matter, here's a link to an interview with Somojo Magazine... HERE

and also i've been informed of winning 2nd place in the "Indie International" song writing contest with "Ghost Town"
Indie International Songwriting Contest Winner

Site Here

Sunday, 20 March 2011


Although reading the next short story can prevent you from suffering severe pain and humiliation, it portraits hard to swallow graphic imaginary descriptions. Reader discretion is advised. Saying that, we're ready to rumble:
When I finally finished my business and opened the door, I was amazed to see so many people (with unsatisfied faces) waiting in line to get in. How was I supposed to know that high altitude combined with murky flight meals causes severe constipation (or as I prefer to call it a stuck "turtle head")?!  Besides, it's not my fault the Bulgarian plane (if you can call it that) had only one toilet working.  Unfortunately the plane also had an extremely narrow passageway which made the "walk of shame" even worse as I had to look in the eyes of every person waiting in line (and I can assure you they didn't look very friendly) and if that's not enough, just as I was finishing "the walk" my son saw me coming from a distance and had to shout "Dad, how long does it take to crap?!". That's about as close as I ever got to open the emergency exit in the middle of a flight!

Tuesday, 15 March 2011

Ant Invasion

"How can you be so insensitive" she said and I froze holding the bucket of water in my hand thinking maybe the thorough analysis I made before the wedding wasn't as complete as I thought. "what's the problem now?" I asked "didn't you ask me to destroy the ant-nest?!". She looked at me without hiding her disappointment and said "you have no heart! For three days now we have been watching the images from the tsunami in Japan and you couldn't find a more humane way to get rid of the ants?!". After a moment of silence I reacted with "o.k., so where does it put me now? Before Charles Manson on the list?". "You don't have to be so sarcastic all the time! You could've just used the ant-repellant!".  "Ant-repellant?!" I answered with hidden satisfaction "how can you be so insensitive?! You know my grandfather was a survivor of Auschwitz!". She looked at me for a few seconds and then turned her back and left for the kitchen. Oh well I thought. I hope I have enough porn to get through the next few weeks…
On the music side of things... yesterday i have been informed that my "Black Box" album has been chosen as album of the year by "Rolling Stone Magazine"!!! I was so excited to hear the news that i fell off the bed and woke up. On the other hand (as i mentioned on my last post), I have been chosen by Jay Adkins the presenter of the N.U.A. show on OFF THE CHARTS RADIO -UK to be the weekly artist played in the "Masterpieces - one album played in full" which is very flattering and appreciated.
I've also added to this blog a new gadget with links to "BLACK BOX" album reviews (on the bottom right corner).
For the Israeli crowd, you can now purchase the "Black Box" in the following stores:
"Disk Center", Dizengoff ctr., Tel Aviv
"Ktzat Aheret". Pinsker 41, Tel Aviv
"Pikolo", Naharia
"Daf Halak", Kiryat Shmone
"Musroom" pub (home base)
and also in the excellent I LOVE MUSIC internet store.

Apart from that, next week i will clear the fog regarding the issue with the social workers/family violence rumor (i will supply you with a video with all the evidence). BTW, for those who don't know me, I'd like to remind that this Pink Box is the sarcastic left side of my brain and you should always take it in suspicious manner. If you or anyone might be offended by anything written here, you should BOO HOO yourself, then call yourself a CRY BABY, then slap yourself for being too sensitive and if all that doesn't help, contact me and i'll have it removed (after i send a few people to embarrass you at your workplace).

Thursday, 10 March 2011

Black Box update

I've been rocking the boat hard since my "Black Box" was released following severe contractions and labor pain. After 5 years of pregnancy its impossible going back to my old figure but I'm trying to adopt my new one with cautious suspicion and open eyes. I found out that releasing my baby alone is not enough and it needs nursing and the occasional diaper-change. Unwilling to work with a PR company, my chances of reaching music lovers around the world are about 145,652,235 to 1, but I am determined to take as many "natural boosts" as I need to keep me dreaming.
Having released my album only a month ago, I must admit I'm surprised at the amount of enthusiastic reactions from so many people around the world which is very flattering yet very dazzling. Most of the praise comes from people of the "vinyl generation", people who glued enough torn cassette tapes in their life, people who know the real feeling of opening a new vinyl record and putting it under the needle for the first time. People who can appreciate soft toilet paper (yeah, that last one was out of place). The younger audience I find more suspicious of my album and maybe they should be, maybe it takes some life experience and fallen hair to appreciate it (or hate it)!
I know some of you are upset I didn't inform on radio shows I've been a guest on for interviews and live playing but that's what you get when you are…..
Oh well, I'll try to get some of the recorded material and upload it here soon for the exceptionally bored! Saying that, I have to brag that I've been having some success on some Israeli major and local radio stations as well as radio stations in the U.S., Australia, Canada, Germany and Britain.
I was informed that "Off the Chart" internet radio in the U.K. (that already played a few songs from the album) will be playing the whole album (including the song in Hebrew) as part of the N.U.A. show which will be broadcasted this Saturday 12th March (16:00-19:00 UK time). The album will be played In the middle of the show, here's a link
Apart from that soon will be published an interview on Somojo Magazine (also in the U.K.) and have had many requests from album reviewers around the globe and lots of interest from different music blogs. I promise to publish the reviews here as long as they're good J or funny J or edited J
That's about as much PR as my conscience enables me to do, I'll try to keep it controlled so you guys won't be bored to death…